Anxiety

It's 3 am and I've woken up. 1 million thoughts rush through my mind that I can't rationalize or filter. 

And now its 4 am and I'm starting to worry if I will be able to go back to sleep. I don't. 

This typically happens on THE NIGHT my kids actually sleep right through. My anxiety has a great sense of humor. 

I think I started to suffer from mild anxiety as soon as I become a mother. I think most mothers do. Its all part of being a parent...worry!
 I never use to be a worrier. My grandfather use to think I was fearless when I was younger. He dropped me off at my first day in a new job at 16, and asked me in the car on the way there if I was nervous. I said 'no, why should i be?' and he has never forgotten my response since. He couldn't believe it. But I honestly didn't know what there was to be nervous about. Put me in that same situation today and I would a completely different person. 

We all suffer from stress from time to time and deal with it differently. I'm not going to bore you with my 1st world problems or worries when there are real issues in the world. However I am only human and although there are always people worse off in the world than you, anxiety takes no prisoners.   

I wanted to share one of the ways in which I deal with my anxiety in hopes it may help some of you too. 

Being Organised/ Family Planner

I'm going to upload a video about my family planner and what is inside of it in more detail which you can watch on my YouTube channel in a few days. Basically it involves my whole life. Every appointment, cleaning routine, meal plans and so on.

My brother thinks I have too much time on my hands to be organizing my life like that. Wait until you see my madness inside. However with two small kids and another one on the way I wish that was the case. 

This is something I had to make time for and actually do for my mental health. 

Being unorganized and living in chaos is my personal trigger. For some it could be traffic. Everyone has a trigger. Things like rushing the kids on the school run so we barely talk in the morning and forgetting to attend play group really bothers me. I hate feeling like a shit mother. I know I am not perfect and none could be. Unfortunately I can not tell myself this when its keep me up at night. The mother guilt! The m-o-t-h-e-r of all guilt trips. 

So I designed my own personal family planner. It helps me be more productive. Less stressed out when I'm not rushing around or forgetting important appointments. At the start of my pregnancy my midwife went crazy because I had forgotten to go for so many blood tests. 

Have you ever sat down and felt so overwhelmed with everything that you need to do? But you become paralyzed by your own thoughts so nothing gets done. This use to happen to me at least once a week at one point. 

You know that feeling you get when you've finally put away all the clean washing that has been sitting on your kitchen table for the last couple of days? The relief! 

Imagine feeling like that every day because everything is in order. That's what my planner does for me. It clears my mind and helps me breathe. 

It may not be for everyone and I understand that. But what I want to get at here is that everyone can feel overwhelmed. Its what you choose to do to help yourself in that situation that matters. Even if your have a wonderful family and great friends and a therapist and doctors. Only you can help yourself. 

You alone. 

You can choose to let yourself get swallowed up and reach a breaking point or stand tall and remember 
'you're a queen, you got this shit handled' 
so let the anxiety attack happen.
 But don't let it beat you. Dust yourself off and do what you need to do for you. Regardless if you look crazy or not and as always...

Be Brave 

Jade 

XxX

I WAX MY FACE

So my dark facial hair out stayed it's welcome years ago. From the first comment thrown at me from a boy I fancied. Oh the horror! The embarrassment! 

It did absolute wonders for my self esteem in my teens.

 I tried bleaching and other things to get rid of it. But I was still unhappy and extremely self conscious. I felt like I was the only girl in school who suffered from facial hair. I had a uni-brow, mustache and dark side burns. I would literally stare at girls upper lips to get a climbs of any hair just so I can tell myself that I'm not the only one. Oh how i wished I was a blonde haired blue eyed skinny girl with bald lips and private parts.  I won't even get into the changing room scenario for gym when your mother still buys you granny knickers and you're one of the first to hit puberty. Don't you just miss your awkward pre teen self and the school days...

Anyways fast forward a few more years and I decided to wax my whole face. I just wanted a bald face and waxing was the way to do that. I didn't want anyone to tell me 'oh don't worry, so and so also has dark side burns' because even those it was nice to know I wasn't the only one, It was still unwanted. As uncomfortable as it can be, it is definitely worth it, for me personally. it doesn't grow back thicker, my skin feels so smooth and my make up looks better plus I have NO HAIR. The main goal here! It helped in some way for my self esteem but not as much as I expected. I was still as self conscious as ever over the littlest thing. 

You see there is a fine line between learning to love yourself and changing something about you that makes you so unhappy. 

There was nothing more satisfying to me that when I was around 17 years old. That boy I fancied back in my pre teens who made a comment about my facial hair, offered to buy me a drink on a night out and to take me home. I 'politely' declined his offer and the pre teen girl inside of me was screaming "YOU GO GIRL." 

I certainly didn't need approval from a man or that man for sure. I needed to learn to love myself for who I am. You can change the way you look but you can't change who you are. I've been with some shitty men who would openly admit they didn't like something about my appearance and for me change it. Them men aren't worth your time ladies. Trust me. 

My fiance has watched me wax my hair, watched it grow back over weeks and weeks and guess what. He is still here and still wants to have sex with me. He has never in an arugment used my insecurities to hurt my feelings either and we have been together for 6 years. Such things like "go and shave your hairy face!" or "your eyebrows are shit." Those comments would hurt my feelings. He just usually calls me a psycho. Which isnt even an insult to me. I am quiet proud he thinks I have a psychotic side. It shows he fears me in some way, it keeps him in line. I think we all have a little Harley Quinn inside of us. It has taken me years to master my inner psycho. You dont need to get a criminal record by smashing a mans car up to show how piss off you are. No man is worth that hassle. If you need to show how mad you are about something and your inner spycho is approaching the surface start to cook him food. Display mad crazy eyes and just start laughing out aloud hysterically now and again. Hahahaha...it works. 
 On a serious note ...find a man that loves you for you but firstly please learn to love yourself. 

Learning to love yourself, warts and all is  an extremely hard task. For me the only way you can do that is through age and who you surround yourself with. Age and experience does wonderful things to your mind. Don't you wish you could go back and tell yourself a few things you have learnt over time!? Surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you. You will see the world through different eyes. 

When you truly have master the art of 'giving no fucks' you stop comparing yourself to others. You start to live in this bubble where you wouldn't know if planet melted at your feet because your too busy ignoring the world. 

I'm still learning every day to give no fucks. It's a process. Although I still choose to wax my face it doesn't define me and my self esteem. 

If you are thinking of waxing your face I have a video link below on how I do it and also some tips. Just a little disclaimer I am no professional so if you have never waxed before seek advise from a professional first. If you have experience, It doesn't hurt half as much as a bikini line wax. If you can do that...girl I worship your pain threshold.  I hope you like the video. And as always

Be Brave

Jade 

XxX

My Links
YOUTUBE https://www.youtube.com/upload
TWITTER jadefarrell26
SNAPCHAT jadefarrell26
INSTAGRAM jadefarrell26

My Camp America Experience

At the age of 18 years old my dreams came true. No joke, I still think it was all a dream. I touched American ground. I was out there for 3 months doing Camp America. One of the best experiences of my life and I urge anyone who is thinking of doing it, to just do it!

So as a child going into my teens I had an obsession with America and its whole culture. I would watch endless American TV and wished I lived out there. Me and my best friend would argue who was Rachel and who was Monica from 'Friends.' We were both hard core fans and both wanted to be Rachel. Looking at our personalities now you were right. Your Rachel and I'm defiantly Monica, I admit defeat. Anyways ...It was such an alien world to mine and I was intrigued. 

America did not disappoint. It was everything I imagined. It was just like the 'movies', it really was the trip of a lifetime for me.

I was placed on a Camp in Maine for disabled children and adults. My job was a camp counsellor which meant we took care of the campers holistic needs for 24 hours over 6 days. We ate and slept together. It was the hardest job I have ever had to date. It is just like the role of a mother, completely selfless. One camp counsellor described the job role perfectly to me one day "it is the worst job you will ever love." It is hard core for someone like me who just turned 18 and could barely take care of themselves but I LOVE IT. It changed me and I taught me the true meaning of hard work and how to put others before yourself.
I was just so grateful to just be there. I counted my blessings everyday!

The people I met out there from the Americans to the British and German were the nicest and I mean NICEST I have ever met. So different from most people I knew. The girls weren't bitchy. They boys weren't creeps. We were just one big family on a journey together. One I will treasure and carry for as long as I can remember. The Americans and their families welcomed you into their homes on your weeks off and offered you somewhere to sleep. The British always had open arms and lifted you up when you were home sick. We all looked out for each other yet we all just met. We truly all cared for each other's well being.
 Even when the laws tried to separate us.

 So here's the thing, the drinking age in America is 21. A few of us were 18. I was the only British girl under age. So on our days off we wanted to drink... Of course we did. We were allowed in the bars and clubs but had to wear a wrist band that glowed in the dark screaming UNDER AGE and had to be kept in a separate area of the club. You can imagine how we felt. The 'older' guys hated it just as much as us so they organised a trip to Canada on one of our weeks off. There we could ALL drink and let our hair down. I don't remember much from my first night there...  but looking back at photos it was wild and looked like so much fun!

My traveling was insane. I spent 3 whole days on a buss (to sleep as well) traveling around America until we reached The Grand Canyon, Las Vegas and San Francisco which we spent a few days in each destination until I dragged myself back on that buss for ANOTHER 3 days to get to New York. As much as my body ached  I got to see the non tourist side of America as well as the tourist. I saw so many different states and collected post cards from everywhere I went to keep and show my kids one day. There were a few cray cray moments along the way too. I didn't pack a sleeping bag so I literally froze camping in the Grand Canyon. Every hour I had to walk to the toilets and sit under the hand drier to warm up. I had money stolen from me TWICE from my own stupidity. Here's a tip, don't hand your card over to pretty girls waving scarfs in Vegas. But you live and learn and it wasn't the end of the world. It certainly didn't destroy my experience, it was just part of it.

I'm not the most well travelled person in the world don't get me wrong but nevertheless this was and is huge to me. I worked so hard to get there and I never thought in a million years I would actually go. I don't come from a family of money or well travelled for that matter. So I had to work hard and be brave and do something that none could advise me on.  It taught me so much about the world and myself and I truly do believe that travel broadens the mind.

You CAN achieve anything if you work hard enough for it.





Be Brave

Jade
XxX


My Links
YOUTUBE https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClMCTF5Y3mw
TWITTER jadefarrell26
SNAPCHAT jadefarrell26
INSTAGRAM jadefarrell26

FEAR OF BLOGGING

I started a blog a few months back but I have only put five blog posts live. I have thirteen drafts waiting to be finalised and published but I had the 'fear of blogging.'
I've had the fear of blogging before I started the blog, which delayed me for two years. I thought after I built up the courage to actually start one I would have conquered my fear. I guess not!


If I'm honest here I was scared of what people may think and say. Especially friends and family. I'm only human. When  I started my blog I thought I might get the odd question or comment from my friends and extended family. Nothing was mentioned. Not even a 'like' on Facebook from most although it didn't surprise me much. I had more support from complete strangers. The lack of support or acknowledgment knocked my confidence.


 I was forgetting that the only people that really mattered for support were standing right beside me cheering me on. The only persons opinion that mattered was my own.


One of the reasons I started a blog is because I love to share ideas. When I was at school I would happily share my test question answers with anyone who was stuck. I remember sitting my GCSE business paper and holding up my paper at an angle so my friend could see my answer. It was probably the wrong answer, sorry ***** but I had your back!


When I found the world of blogging and vlogging I struck gold. I finally found people who think like me. I finally found a place where I felt I belonged in a way. I guess I'm not your typical 20 something girl. I didn't have a 'standard' upbringing. I had a very happy childhood but it defiantly was not boring but that is a different blog post. My best friend growing up was from a whole different world to me and she really opened my eyes and heart. So I guess this all shaped me into the person I am today and the way I think. The older I'm getting the more I'm beginning to understand myself.


These bloggers and vloggers that I love inspire me every day to just be the best version of myself, as cheesy as it sounds its true. From little things like cookie recipes to dealing with anxiety.
I suppose looking back over the last couple of years I really needed that inspiration. At the time I was the only one out of my friends that had a baby. I hadn't long finished university and started a full time job in my chosen career path which I choose to give up a few months into it. My family were going through a difficult time and I had some adult big decisions to make and a little baby to take care of at the age of 22. Over time I lost a few friends too. I have no bad feelings towards them. I suppose my priorities had to change. I had to change. Maybe they didn't understand that, and that's ok. But finding this world really helped me escape and laugh at the hard times. Finding people who think like you fills your loneliness and gives you that little bit of comfort.


Llanelli where I am from can seem so small and filled with small minded people who are quick to judge anything they don't understand or is not within the 'norm.' It can be scary doing anything different. But there is a bigger world out there than just this town.


So I'm going to start publishing my blog posts again and put my 'don't give a fuck' hat back on. I hope this inspires anyone reading this to put their hats on too.


Be Brave

Jade

XxX

My Links

Youtube: Jade Farrell

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/jade.farrell.549
Twitter: jadefarrell26
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