What it's like growing up with a tough love mother.
For anyone who has met my mother she comes across very sweet shy and likable. You have no idea about the hell inside that would put satan down a peg or two. When her buttons are pushed of course. Pushing her buttons are what kids are for. We weren't naughty kids and we have never brought trouble to her door (cough, my brother may have twice) but being such a close family, she is used as a punching bag more than she should. So on occasions hell freezes over and the three of us run with our tails between our legs. Since I'm the oldest child I always get the blame. Even if I weren't even there, somehow its my fault. My brother is the middle child and since he is her only son, the sun shines out of his arse. My sister is the baby of the family and gets away with murder. The angel child. She never laid a finger on us but her favourite choice of discipline when things got out of hand was the slipper slap.
She is a master of tough love. I have never gotten her pity or sympathy. She might offer me a paracetamol if my leg was hanging off. But that's about it.
Growing up I thought I was very hard done by. I had pocket money that had to earned. My family use to call me Cinderella. She had me cleaning from a young age and would check I did a good enough job. If not I had to re do it or loose the cash. My brother and sister have never seen a duster in their life. They always got pocket money.
I had a strict upbringing. While all the other girls my age were at the roof past 10pm, camping and drinking down Pembrey. I was sat putting my sister to bed.
Dying in bed with a hangover in my late teens. She would be up at 7am blasting the radio in the kitchen. Send my 5 year old sister at the time in her room to practise her piano on full volume. Let the dog out to bark at every bird he sees. Come stopping up to my room by 9am with a face of disgust that I was still in bed.
"The day has half gone" "get up washed and dressed"
Napping is not aloud. You would be called all the lazy names going if she caught you napping. Even if you have worked double shifts all weekend. No sympathy!
I must wash no excuses. So my sister can have 3 day old chocolate stuck to her face but I'm a different story. After having a traumatic 36 hour labour and filled with more drugs than Liam Gallagher, she dragged me to the shower almost fainting and washed me down.
"just hold onto my arm jade, you will be fine."
If I'm unwell that is not an excuse to do nothing. Fresh air is medicine. There are people actually dying in he world. Stop moaning.
She has no problem telling me something that needs to be said. She doesn't care about feelings. If I'm wrong she will call me on it. If I look fat in an outfit, if I'm showing too much skin in a dress, if my lip needs waxing. She will tell me straight!
Yet this woman is a nightmare. For example she will cry in any situation. ANY! In an emergency panic situation she turns into some sort of cartoon figure. Her words make no sense they are just loud high pitched noises. She is turning in circles and making the most weird facial expressions. You have to deal with her before the person in trouble. You cant think straight with her. The victim has to wait for first aid. Having 4 dogs, 2 little children, clumsy grandparents... First aid comes in handy every week.
I look back now as a mother myself and in my twenties. I worship the ground this woman walks on. As much as I always thought she judged my decisions I was completely wrong. She just wanted to guide me down the right path. Not knowing that if I did mess up she would be sat right next to me with a cuppa telling me her mess ups. Telling me to stick two fingers up to the world and hold my head high. She would never judge me. She can walk into my home while my toddler takes a shit in the potty in the hallway to great her. The walls are covered in chocolate (we hope). The baby is screaming in the highchair covered from head to toe in food. The dishes are piling up in the sink. My washing is over flowing. You cant move from the amount of toys scattered on the floor and I'm standing there with bags under my eyes and greasy hair.
You know what I see In her eyes...compassion. She rolls her sleeves up and sorts my life out within minutes. My wander woman saves me again.
Through all my 'hard done by years' I thank her for the lessons she has taught me. It has made me the mother and woman I am today. She stopped my naive young self making mistakes and protecting me from others. As grown up as I thought I was, she was right to make that call after hearing some stories about others. I'm glad I was kept at home in a safe warm loving home. 'Hard done by?' She absolutely spoilt us rotten with homemade foods. We never had much money growing up but the house never was empty of food. We never went without anything. But most of all she was always there. Never missed a sports day. Never miss a dance show. Always there right behind us supporting and encouraging us. She has taught me to be hard working. I'm not afraid of hard work or hard graft. One day I could be baking cupcakes and contouring my face. The next day I could be drilling holes and building a play house for the kids. This lesson got me through schooling while working part time jobs. At one time I was working three part time jobs while at University. I didn't expect any financial help from my parents. But being good parents if I needed help they were always there. I never went back to Uni without bags full of food each time. I was working so much so I could go travelling over the summer. But each Christmas I would slam the hours in work. Not so I could spoil myself with as many nights out as I wanted (I was always working), I wanted to spoil my brother and sister with gifts. See this is my biggest lesson I can thank her for. I felt I was always treated tougher growing up as the eldest child. I can now see why. She would always encourage me to think about their feelings before my own. And because of this I am extremely close with them. It has also come in handy to being a selfless mother. I have a natural sense to protect them, love and encourage them but most of all be there for them. I have never missed a big day in their lives. I've always been there in the crowd. If for some strange reason my mother isn't around that day they always come to me. Mostly for feeding, but they are here. They are the first people I call when something happens and vies versa. And that's the reason why I had it tougher. I needed to be the tougher child. I need to take care of my brother and sister when she isn't.
But what she doesn't realise is that she has taught me to be tough but not tough enough to live life without her.
We love you very much. Happy Mother Day Mammy
Jade
xxx
