Cooking for Beginners. A what not to do guide.

We all have to eat.


It's survival.


But in this 21st century we all have developed a relationship with food. Our emotions are involved. It's not just about survival anymore.

Guilt or pleasure.

 

 

Me personally I marvel in food. I enjoy it so much I've even dreamt about eating something.
So naturally when I moved out I had to learn how to cook. A ready made meal or a pizza from Asda doesn't quite  hit the spot. Emotionally.
But just like anything you start doing that you have never done before. Mistakes happen. Or in my case award winning FAILS.  

I don't know about you but a well captured picture of a piece of cake on Instagram is so satisfying. When I actually make something that turns out not too bad, of course I'm going to post it on social media, to show off my success. Hell Ive attempt the recipe for the 3rd time and FINALLY it doesn't taste of arse. 

 So before I start sharing with you my fool proof recipes.
You know just to show off.
Let me start by saying I'm no Gordon Ramsey. This is a post about my absolute favourite fails over the years in the kitchen.
In hopes beginner cooks won't make the same mistakes I did. Because as stupid as some of them may seem I just didn't know. You don't know something unless you learn it.
Common sense is something I lack in.
They are all very true unfortunately.
My family find my embarrassing mistakes hilarious. Maybe some of you who have attempt the art of cooking might too and can relate. 

Now you might be thinking why didn't she read a cook book?! 
From someone who had never turned an oven on, to go and read the language in a cook book is like reading a different language.
I would ring my mother and ask her
 "what the f**k does this mean?"
Most of the time I'd read it in my Welshy way as it is spelt. Completely pronounced wrong of course.
She had a good laugh at my expense.
Note, save yourself the embarrassment and use google search engine. Google is your best friend. Asking a customer service assistant in Tesco for a particular item you have completely miss read is too much blushing and burning cheeks for anyone involved. 


1.Try not to set fire to your boyfriends flat




My mother thought it would be a great idea if I cooked my boyfriend a meal in his flat by the time he gets home from work. 
You win the heart of a man through his stomach she said.
I had never chopped and onion in my life at this point.  
Chillie she said.  
Don't worry it will be easy she said. 
Aside from the fact my mother had to talk me through every single step on the phone and I dragged my brother there for moral support, it didn't turn out too bad. 
Except for the fact I set his grandmothers tea towel on fire.

Advise:
Never use a tea towel as an oven mitt on a gas stove. 
Buy the correct equipment. 




2. Try not to poison yourself or your boyfriend

Frozen meat. That's a tricky one for me. 
One day I was planning on cooking half a chicken for tea. Again my mothers idea. 
I forgot to defrost them though didn't I?! 
So I pulled them out about an hour before I was planning on cooking.
I thought it will be ok. 
Well half way through eating it I noticed it was still raw in the middle. 
So for the rest of the evening we just sat there convincing ourselves we were going to die. We didn't. 

Advise:
Allow meat to FULLY defrost. 
Follow cooking instruction don't just take a wild guess when it comes to meat. 




3. Be Careful what you buy. Packaging will fool you.

I saw an advertisement on the TV for this Devon Cream. It was that time of year with the tennis. Strawberries and cream...my favourite.
It was on offer in Asda.
I needed cream for a chicken recipe. So I bought two. One for the recipe and one for the strawberries. When I opened it, it was the colour yellow.
My first thought was NOT this is custard.
It was 'oh must be a new sort of expensive cream.' So I poured it all in the chicken. Only to then realise after a few minutes that it was custard.
No I didn't throw it away.
I was way to embarrass to even mention my stupidly to Tim. So naturally I served him it and said I didn't want any because I was feeling unwell.
POOR bastard!
I didn't tell him what I did until months later. He found the funny side eventually. Although he approaches everything I cook with precaution nowadays.  

4. Don't just think 'this will work' when you don't know. Google that shit.

Making my first Sunday dinner was going great until the gravy. It was a bit to watery for my liking.
How can I thicken it!?
Oh I know flour should do that.
NO!
None likes chewing on flour balls in their gravy. 
Advise: Cornflour added to a bit of water to create a paste. Add that to thicken any sauces. 

5. Please inform your boyfriend what is decoration and what is food

I can't say I didn't find this hysterical and thinking
'Karma for all the socks you left on the floor instead of the wash basket.'
Following a Gordon Ramsey recipe I cooked us some pork chops. He suggested to leave the whole garlic cloves on top on the pork chops as a decoration and flavour of some sort.
Tim thought it was a nut didn't he.
I can safely say he has gone off garlic.
Advise: Inform your eaters when you try to be all Gordan Ramsey.


6. Pasta?!
Easy for some. Now that's a tricky one for me. Undercook it and it feels like your eating sand. Overcook it and it tastes like slugs. DON'T use a slow cooker for cooking anything with pasta unless you like slug pasta or time it perfectly. Get your boyfriend to taste test to see if its ready or throw it at your wall. If it sticks its done.

Through all my fail attempts and disasters I can now cook with minimal mistakes.  I just didn't give up. I wanted to be the mother who makes homemade cookies and impressive lunch boxes.

If I can do it you certainly can. All the best.

Thanks for reading.

Jade


xxx